Do’s and don’ts when someone you know has lost a loved one

Have you ever got the news that a friend or family member had a loved one pass away? Expected or not, that news makes everyone cringe. Not just because of the actual event, but you feel like a deer caught in the headlights. You don’t know what to say and feeling like anything you say won’t be helpful. Or even worse, make them cry even more and you won’t know what to say.. again.

Hopefully, this gives you a few more tools to help those around you that need a little extra support!

Ever since my brother died I have wanted to write this post. Today I had to take a detour while going to pick up some dinner because there was a fatal accident. It reminded me that death happens all the time and people are constantly needing better support around this topic.

Do’s

1. Listen…. Each person I have talked to about this post agreed more people needed to be better listeners while they were supporting them.

So many times, we interject during the griever’s sentence trying to relate to them. While you have good intentions, just listening to your friend without interrupting is the best way to help them.

2. Show up… I remember moments after I got to my parent‘s house after getting the call Clifton had died, I saw a neighbor passing our house. I sent them a message explaining what all of the commotion was about and their whole family jumped at the opportunity to serve us in any way we needed. That left a life long impact on me.

There is a lot that has to go into a funeral. Calling other family members, figuring out a time and place for the funeral, gathering pictures of your loved one for the program, preparing food and remembering to eat, coordinating messages and emails to work to get time off… the list goes on and on and it is extremely exhausting.

Showing up for your friend or family member to help make all of these calls and decisions is a great way to serve them and relive a lot of pressure for them.

You have to remember, this person’s life just got flipped upside down and now they have to plan an entire family gathering within a weeks time.

Don’t wait for your friend to ask for your help. Just show up with a good attitude and be ready to serve them however they need.

3. Follow up… My sister says “Just because it happened 1 month, 6 months or 6 years ago, doesn’t mean it gets easier. Randomly reaching out to them shows that you genuinely care. It’s hard to not feel forgotten. Sometimes, the smallest things mean the most. Several months after Clifton died a friend put together a little gift basket for me and it made me feel so loved”.

It would also be a good idea to save the 6 months and 1 year anniversary to remember to reach out to your friend to support them on these difficult days.

Don’ts

1.Don’t Say “I totally get it” and “I understand”… This is not to say you don’t know the pain caused by death, but you really don’t know how this person is feeling. Every relationship is different, therefore you will never know exactly how this person is feeling, so don’t say you do.

This also goes along with comparing losses. Do NOT compare their loss to the loss of your grandparent, parent, friend, sibling, ants and uncles or dog. It is very painful to feel like their loss is more significant than yours.

2. Don’t say “Sorry for your loss”… Instead, be more personal and say “I am so sorry your mom passed away so suddenly.” You are connecting with that person on a much more intimate level just by changing your wording. You are connecting with their specific loss rather than loss in general.

Doctors and nurses are taught to tell their patients “sorry for your loss” because it separates them and the patient to help with the emotional toll of death. It’s easier for the deliverer, but surely not for the receiver. It can feel like that person is sorry, but they are ok and going back to normal life when you don’t get to.

3. Don’t give ‘at least‘ statements. Saying “at least they lived a good life” or “at least you got to say goodbye” or “at least they aren’t in pain anymore” can be very annoying.

While this may be true and you’re just trying to encourage your friend or bring a positive spin to the situation, this really just makes the griever feel like you want them to get over it. They also might be feeling like they shouldn’t be so shaken up because “at least”… xyz.

4. Don’t start asking about ‘normal life’ stuff like work and school like nothing happened… I remember being in the receiving line right after Clifton’s ceremony and people wanted to carry a normal conversation. They wanted to chat about school, or work, or share a new recipe they were trying and anything about ‘normal life’. Y‘ll, this is not the time to catch up.

I realize funerals are extremely uncomfortable for everyone but it is NOT the place to make the griever have to put on a good face just to keep a normal conversation.

You may be trying to ‘distract them’ or ‘keep their mind off of it’ for a little bit but it’s ok that they are sad. They get one day dedicated to everyone celebrating their loved one’s life, let them decide if they want to be distracted or sit in sadness while they say goodbye to their loved one.

5. Don’t avoid them… They are grieving, not carrying the black plague. I often hear grievers say they hate that their friends and family avoid them now. Believe it or not, your friend is probably feeling more awkward seeing you than you are them. Simply because they know you are uncomfortable and probably won’t know what to say.

It’s ok if you don’t know what to say, just being available to your friend and letting them know you love them and are so sad that they have to go through this is enough. Or just sitting with them in silence can be very comforting.

Do NOT have a conversation with them without remembering what they are going through or at least asking how they are doing.

Enjoy being with them during this time

Finally, ask about their loved one! They are constantly thinking about them, so take the opportunity to learn more about them! What was their favorite memory with them? Their favorite joke or favorite place to go together? They will love sharing some stories with you. Try to be a good listener and don’t interrupt them. Remember, it’s ok if they are sad!

There is so much more I could share, but I think these are the most important!

I would love to hear things that people did for you that helped after you lost someone you care about! I hope this helps next time you get that tragic call or message.