Part ONE- What I have learned the last three years of Marriage

I am so glad you’re back! I have received so much encouragement and love around this new space and I want to give a genuine thank you to you for being here and reading what I have to say! All to say, you’re the real MVP.

Real quick, I would love it if you would drop your email address in the box to the right (or at the bottom if you’re on your phone) to subscribe to the blog! After that you’ll recieve an email each time I put out a new post! I am thinking about once a week to 2-3 times a month, depending on what’s going on #reallife. You’ll only get an email when there is a new post, so don’t worry about getting a bunch of stuff cramming your inbox!

Three years alreay?

May 15th was our 3 year anniversary and sadly I didn’t get to spend the evening on a hot date with Mr. Havens, but I did last year and the year before that. So for that, I am grateful!

Who else loves Facebook and Instagram memories that pop up and show us all our fun, and sometimes totally embarrassing, posts from 8 years ago? I have looooved seeing my posts from this last year. A few years ago I felt it was time to be very intentional with social media and wanting to use it for it’s intended purpose: encourage, inspire and connect with other people.

Since I have been intentionally posting, I’ve been able to see how much I’ve grown, things I’ve learned, and watched how God has really shown up and rearranged our plans over and over again. For the better. As each day passes and the memories pop up, I get to relive each day. Some were AMAZING, and some were really really hard during these first 3 years.

First: Communication

I know what you’re thinking, and I know you know how communating is a key piece… BUT keep reading.

Communication is harder than all of us anticipate it to be. Am I right? As Ian and I went from dating to married one of our biggest struggles was MY lack of communication. And as a result, I was very lonely in that first year. I used to think I was pretty good at communicating… You know, when I was a party of one. Funny how I ate a big ol’ slice of humble pie, huh? It is now, but day to day I was really stuggling.

This really had everything to do with me, not Ian. I had this idea in my mind that I needed to prove to Ian how strong and tough I was. How I didn’t have to ask for his help or ask for his emotional support. For sure wasn’t going to be ‘that needy wife‘. Ughh, what a lie that was. I had clearly forgotten he married me so he could be my listening ear and emotional support when I needed him.

Both Ian and I tend to be more independent and introverted. Therefore, it’s extremely difficult for us to ask for help. Or even just to share with another person how we are feeling. We both tried to deal with everything ourselves. Probably me more so than him. Unintentionally, we were pushing the other one out, yet expecting them to know why we were upset. *eye roll* Y’all, this is so dumb and I don’t know why we ALL do it!

I think we do this because of two reasons. 1) We are selfish and want everyone to know we are upset. 2) We truly don’t know how to express our feelings so we shut down and decide we will handle it ourselves or handle it “later”.

Ladies, hear me when I say this… You are setting your relationship, and your guy, up to fail when you’re trying to tell him you’re upset without verbally communicating. Use your words and simply say “you hurt my feelings when you said that” or “are you upset with me? I’d like to talk about it when you’re ready”. Talk about it, work it out and enjoy the rest of your day together. I suggest discussing said issues that day, rather than waiting for tomorrow.

I’ll be honest, it feels awkward writing this because it feels so obvious and I know you already know this. But I am going to remind you anyways because this was one of my biggest pitfalls in our first year and I don’t want that to happen to you.

Without realizing it, I was creating a disconnect between us that made me feel like he “just didn’t get it”, and this was not the case. I never even gave him the opportunity. We would have had so many better evenings together if I had just done the hard thing and told him what was going on and calmly talked it out with him.

Secondly: Stop saying “I don’t want to talk about it” and “I’m fine”.

We both know, you’re not fine. And deep down, you probably do want to talk about it. At least I did.

One of the biggest reasons why I just wasn’t talking about it, was because I didn’t know how. I felt so dumb bringing something up out of the blue. I felt like I needed him to ask me what was wrong 36 times in order for me to talk about it. As embarrassing as it is, I used to respond with “nothing”, or “I’m fine”, just to see if he kept asking to see if he really wanted to talk it out with me. Terrible right??? Be relived that I do NOT do this anymore, haha!

This is the tool we used to work through this: if I wasn’t ready to talk, that was ok, but I needed to give him a time frame for when I was ready. Say 5 minutes or after dinner. This helped both of us. Mostly because it kept it fresh and kept it from letting days go by without talking about what was going on inside. I had time to work out my thoughts. But I felt secure and loved knowing Ian was going to ask again in 20 minutes and he was also ready to talk.

If you haven’t noticed, communication used to be very difficult for me. I have grown SO much since we first got married. I am so so incredibly thankful for the support system I have and those who have encouraged me to keep at it. That it will get better and it does.

Ok, that’s a wrap! If you didn’t notice this is Part ONE, and there will be more parts (either 2 or 3) to this series! I can’t wait to hear your stories, hearts, and ways you have become better at communication!

Have a great Memorial Day weekend, and be safe!

Until then -H