Top 3 relationship struggles as a Christian girl

I met with a sweet friend of mine yesterday and we talked all about relationships and her new guy. She was filled with awesome questions, wanting to improve herself and become the best girl for her guy. I have so much respect for you, Havilah!

So I wanted to write out a few of her questions, which I also had when Ian and I were dating! There are so many I’m sure I’ll think of later, but this will do for now!

Let me just start by saying I truly feel SO under qualified to give my opinion on this! Ian and I made so many mistakes starting out, and still do (but hindsight is 20/20), and I never want to come across as though “I know best” especially when there are tons of situations I could have handled better. Because I have made mistakes and look back now thinking “wow that was so stupid” and “could have avoided so much heartbreak if I avoided that”, is the only reason I feel qualified to write this post. Surely not because I have all the answers.

1: How to love and take care of yourself when there are 10 million other things pulling for your attention

Us ladies love to show off our multitasking abilities… which are awesome, yes. But too often we over commit and if you’re anything like me, you likely feel the desire to “take care” of those around you. Shout out to the 2’s and 9’s (enneagram personality test, take it if you haven’t)! It feels weird to say but I am very nurturing and love to hop in and help any way I can when I see someone emotionally struggling.

Like I talked about in another post, I know one of my gifts is encouraging others. I want to show up and help when no one else is. Although, I cannot take care of them if I don’t take care of me first.

We hear about this SO MUCH online and all over: “self-care.. self-love” blah blah blah… but it’s kind of an important thing. Especially when you are pouring tons of time into a relationship, your love tank HAS to be full first.

You can’t be fully present nor able to pour into someone else, while your tank is running on empty.

2: How to set realistic physical boundaries

Wow… this is a hard one. Many of you are nodding your heads right now as you know the struggle all too well!

I am going to preface this by saying, what I am going to share is REALLY hard for me to talk about. The only reason I am talking about it is to hopefully help someone else…

Ian and I had sex before we got married. UGHH ok it’s out. Our hope and intentions were to wait but clearly that didn’t happen. Many of my friends know this, but still, it’s so hard to have it ‘out there’ for everyone to know.

I was raised with the mindset that your first kiss and sex are to be saved for marriage, which I agree with wholeheartedly. I’ll get into that later. I also wasn’t really prepared for how incredibly hard it would be to wait.

I am not sure why, but this was extremely hard for me to talk about when I was younger. I’m sure my poor mom didn’t have very many opportunities to discuss this with me because I became SO incredibly uncomfortable and anxious I couldn’t talk about ANYTHING of the sort. Again, I really don’t know why that is. Thankfully, I am much better about it now!

Ian and I did not listen to those around us very well (problem numero uno). Everyone told us not to spend too much time alone, and they were so right. I think there were plenty of conversations that needed to be had privately and not at the dinner table with our families. But really that just became an excuse to spend more time just us and it made it SO hard to have good boundaries.

Here are a few of my best tips for setting healthy boundaries!

A) Listen to those that have been there. They have walked through this season and I can guarantee they know pretty close to how you’re feeling.

B) Find someone you trust and talk about this stuff with them that also has the same morals and goals that you do. They will be there to talk things out with you and help keep you accountable.

C) Don’t put ALL the pressure on your guy to set these boundaries. Your relationship is 50/50 so be willing to put in half of the work. Don’t be afraid to remind him he has to do the same… Help him out and make your plans WITH other people to eliminate late nights alone.

If there is one thing that made our first year of marriage the hardest, it was having sex before we were married.

If you haven’t waited, you can start NOW. Don’t use that as a crutch or excuse to throw in the towel. Talk to your significant other and make a realistic plan you can both stick to.

I promise it will be worth the wait!

3: How do you keep God at the center?

This is also a tough one! One of the best pieces of advice I received in our marriage counseling (other than to wait to have sex) was this image of a triangle and Ian and I were at the bottom left and right corners, with God at the top. As each of us moves closer to God individually, we will grow closer together as a couple. This is so so true.

Start praying for your spouse. When you’re comfortable, start praying WITH your spouse. I’ll be honest, sometimes it’s still hard for me to ask Ian to pray with me. But when I do pray FOR him, my heart automatically draws so much closer to him.

For those of you reading that do not believe in God, I can see how this may sound really strange… but I KNOW with my whole heart He is real and His word is alive and true. Jesus may not be the most popular thing out there, but to me, he is the most important.

For those of you have have been wronged by The Church, or a church-y friend or family member: they go to church because they aren’t perfect and mess stuff up ALL the time. We don’t have it all together. We don’t have all the answers. Church is NOT for the winners, but a shelter for the sinners. I am so sorry Christians act like that.

The church is MADE of broken and hurting people and we do stuff wrong ALL the time (I am sure you’ve noticed). Thankfully, we don’t answer to the pastors and leaders. We answer to Jesus. His love is perfect and unconditional. There is literally nothing you can do to make Him love you any less. And there is nothing you can do to make Him love you anymore. His love is nothing like the love you’ve experienced in this world. It’s so much better.

Ladies, I would LOVE to hear some of the questions that either resonated with you or that I didn’t touch on! I know I had so. many. questions. when Ian and I were dating and really didn’t have someone I could ask all of these questions to. I would love to chat if you need a sounding board, otherwise, I am praying for success over this season for you!!!

Much love- H